Sometimes it feels like there’s nothing to write about. Other times, it feels like everything needs to be written down but the words that would capture the thoughts are just out of reach. Quite often, I experience a hybrid of those two extremes where everything that can be said, no matter how carefully chosen the words with which I would express my thought, seem inadequate, and there are no words that aptly paint the rainbow of my emotions – love, hope, fear, disbelief, anger and anguish. So I bury my nose in someone else’s book and experience the warmth of someone else’s expression, critique their language when I can’t find my own and marvel at the borrowed feeling I can wrap myself up in and still feel cozy. That’s the long answer.
The short answer to the question of Why haven’t I been blogging is that I just didn’t feel like it.
Several times in the past few weeks, I’ve come to the Admin page on my blog, start a post, and moments later, click to save it as a draft instead of hitting Publish. I haven’t been writing creatively either. For the first time in many years, I am in danger of not reaching my NaNoWriMo goal and it disappoints me but I think I understand myself well enough to not be too alarmed at the failure. Most of my NaNo projects haven’t gone anywhere but in a folder on my computer so I’m not annoyed at the lack of potential; instead, I am frightened by my inability to write through the feelings, afraid of what might happen if I sit in this position for too long.
I’m here today, asking the words to come back to me and pledging my commitment to them, not just contentedly wrapping myself up in a cocoon created by someone other writer’s keystrokes, but forging a new relationship with the adjectives that come from within me, that were painted on my heart over many years of experiences and that I owe it to the world to give back.
In one of my last posts, I promised to share my NaNoWriMo project with you if enough of you said “Yes, I’m interested in reading it”. The response was a little less than I had hoped but it doesn’t matter. It shouldn’t matter. Sometime ago, I’d said that even if no one reads, I will always write. That there are at least another pair of eyes that dart across this page is more than I ever dreamed of so starting tomorrow morning at 7:00 am, I will start posting chapters from the novel I’ve been working on and I’ll keep writing it so there will be more to share. I hope you’ll read it; even more, I hope you’ll enjoy it but either way, feel free to tell me why.
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